As humans, we thrive on seeking out meaningful, lasting relationships. Creating and sustaining such a relationship requires effort, communication, and understanding. It can feel really difficult, especially when the divorce rate is so high. We no longer have the limitations as married couples did 50 years ago, this means that we have a lot more autonomy, freedom and choice in our relationships which is amazing. However, the work required to create a relationship that you and your partner will thrive in takes work and commitment. Both my partner and I, have been through an extremely challenging year and these are some of the ways that we actively cultivate love and meaning in our relationship.
Here are 6 evidence based suggestions for creating a meaningful, lasting relationship:
- Build a foundation of trust: Trust is one of the key factors in creating a stable and satisfying relationship (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). In order to build trust, it is important to be honest and reliable, keep commitments, and communicate openly with your partner (Akrim & Dalle, 2021) However, due to our own life experiences it can be really difficult to trust. I notice this in my own process as my previous relationship was volatile and toxic. The reality is that trust takes time, understanding and patience on both parties, but with the below points, we lean into trusting one another more everyday.
- Recognise your partners bids for attention. Couples who responded positively to their partner’s bids for attention had more satisfying and long lasting relationships. We are actively attentive and responsive to each other’s needs, whether it’s through active listening, offering support, or showing affection. …Examples of bids for attention can include simple actions like asking for a hug, expressing excitement about something, or actively listening when they are sharing a story from their day. Paying attention to these bids and responding enthusiastically can help strengthen the connection with your partner and create a more meaningful relationship. Other examples of our bids for attention could be initiating a conversation about a topic that is important to the other, I often ask for help with a task, or we express the need for some quality time together. By recognising and responding to these bids, we show that we value their input and want to engage with them in a meaningful way, ultimately nurturing a fulfilling relationship (Gottman & Gottman, 2017)
- Cultivate empathy and understanding: Empathy is a vital! Empathy is linked to greater relationship satisfaction and longevity. We both actively try to understand and share the feelings of the other, and respond with compassion and support. By cultivating empathy, you can create a deeper emotional bond and foster a sense of understanding within your relationship (Gordon et al., 2012)
- Foster a culture of appreciation and gratitude: Expressing appreciation and gratitude towards your partner has been found to be a key factor in maintaining a strong and lasting relationship. It has been show to increase relationship satisfaction and overall well-being. We both take the time to acknowledge and show gratitude for the positive aspects of each other and our relationship which helps us to create a positive and supportive environment, ultimately contributing to a meaningful and enduring relationship (Lévesque et al., 2014; Gordon et al., 2012).
- Consider and alleviate the mental load of the other partner: The mental load refers to the invisible work and responsibilities that often fall upon one partner, such as planning and organising tasks, managing finances, and taking care of household chores. I was a single mother before entering our relationship so I take on a huge amount of mental load. I see how my partner recognises and attempts to share the mental load which helps us to promote equality, reduce stress, and strengthen the bond between us (Gordon et al., 2011; Sprecher et al., 2016).
- Prioritise self-care, individual growth and autonomy: In addition to nurturing the relationship, it is important for both partners to prioritise self-care, individual growth, and autonomy. We both actively pursue taking time for ourselves, we enjoy personal interests and have our own goals, and we maintain a sense of independence. These practices can contribute to a sense of fulfillment and happiness within each individual, which in turn benefits the relationship as a whole (Butler et al., 2019).
- Expect disagreements, ruptures and arguments and focus on how you repair them: These are inevitable. We often disagree! we are human, we simply cannot be on the same page with another all of time because we all have our own needs, beliefs and values! However, what sets successful and lasting relationships apart is not the absence of conflict, but rather how couples navigate and repair these conflicts. Repair attempts refer to the actions or words used by partners to resolve conflict and reconnect after a disagreement. If needed we both attempt to apologise, express understanding and empathy, and seek compromise, and I believe this is how we strengthen our bond and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner (Gottman et al., 2015).
There are so many ways we can build and cultivate meaningful, lasting relationships. This being said, working on our own healing, self-awareness and authenticity is really important, this can be a dual process …because for me, co-regulating with my partner in my healing process has been huge for my wellbeing. However, actively engaging in both is vital for helpful long-lasting love, healing and authentic relationships.
What other ways would you suggest?
Comment below!
References
Gottman, J M., Driver, J., & Tabares, A. (2015, April 3). Repair During Marital Conflict in Newlyweds: How Couples Move from Attack–Defend to Collaboration. International Journal of Systemic Therapy, 26(2), 85-108. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1038962
